i hope im not

falling too fast for this guy. sooo i have found a new guy! omg he treats me very well,he respects me, makes me laugh,very sweet,he does little things for me, he remembers what i like and dont like,he drives, he has a job,has goals....hes very cute...idk i dont wanna mess this up...im so thankful for him...ive asked myself everyday since i met him what good deeds have i done to get such a fine young man like this? i am so GRATEFUL!!!!!fuuuccckk he is just too sweet......oh yeah and hes 23 and im 18 uhhh yeah hes 5 years older than me...but i dont care hes down to earth and everything! im happy....very happy. im so glad hes patient towards me and understanding! i wish he was here honestly! hopefully this lasts<333333 now what do i do? im honestly like thinking why does this guy like me?? idk ahhh!!! im thinking about it too much honestly im just gonna take everyday as is!<333

fuucckkkk mang

i have not blogged in about 3 months. shit, since summer was begining i think ahh so much has happened in my life but i didnt really have acess to a computer or i was just too lazy! lol but now im back bitches and ima try to blog regularly now.....well right now im in east la college...full time student. yup graduated from mhs this june class of 09. this summer was a mix of everything school, family, friends, drinking and what not it was mos def a good summer.....uhhh schools going pretty well theres nothing really to complain about the classes and the teachers are really chill :] so thats a good thing!....and the boys are definitely cuter ;]] hehe its funny cuz i didnt really get hit on in high school but now shiiit lol but idk im just looking for a nice real guy no games or anything. i just want something real for once. well hopefully ill find him! ooohh and theres a cute guy in my english class so its all good oohh and hes a tall heavy metal guy just how i like em.....well yeah ttyl fellow bloggers! show some love cuz im back son! :]

ill always be there 4 u my future love

damn havent blogged in a while :] so these past weeks have been dope...i graduated high school lol fuck u mhs! sons of bitches...ive just been bumming it trying to look 4 a job...drinking with friends having fun started jogging by my riverbed, trying to learn how to drive. its been a good summer so far really fun and chill. just going with the flow! im really positive and happy right now :]. i got accepted to this class @ elac. and im gonna be studying this summer in a couple of colleges like UCLA,usc and csula :]. yay i was so happy! its only the beginning of my future. wow i cant wait to start the classes! its so exciting...well yeah thats what ive been up to!

giving up

im tired of trying, never getting results of being such a negative person fuck it im just gonna let people come to me!....fuck them all my so-called friends..
im giving up on them...i dont need them i already have my real friends :] the o.d.s.s. crew <33 i love those girls...so fuck you all..i wish i could move far away from here i fucking hate it.. i wanna leave and only come for my family...fuck this L.A. douchebag attitude that everyone has we live in fucking l.a. county bitches get it straight...fuck ur raves fuck ur exstacy......fuck you all...im done with you assholes. im done befriending douche bags!

Michael you will be missed!

R.I.P. Michael Jackson you were a huge influence in my life...your music will always stay in my heart..1958-2009...idgamf about the rumors i loved his music...and thats all should matter now.


this was my favorite song from you, i loved you michael rest in paradise

i should get over it, huh???

this hits close to home :/ ugghhh i hate thinking this way

lakers won today the NBA world champions :]]]].
09 champions woot woot!,damn i was so happpyyyy!!!!!!!!!!
its all about the los angeles lakers muauahhahahaha
99-84. haha like 2 minutes on the clock kobe was already celebrating
then like 26 seconds on the clock lakers have the ball not giving a fuck haha
knowing they already won of course haha what an awesome day :]

fuck scenes

fuck all scenes i hate them...
i dont wanna be apart of anything i dont wanna be lumped up with anyone...
i dont wanna go to dance parties or take ecstasy or any of that shit....ugghh im so tired of this fucking town and all the fucking people in it!!! damn i just wanna move!!!fuck this town,fuck scene kids,ravers,hardcore kids,fuck shuffling....
damn i just wanna meet normal-ish kinda people that arent into hardcore drugs and arent my space whores, that arent conceited lying bastards,there words are meaningless to me....so fuck them. im really tired of this bullshit.
im going to rio instead!

3 weeks until graduation day!

wow i cant believe how fast senior year has gone...i have to say senior and junior year will definitely be the most memorable....drinking, passing out, making out,smelling like cigs, reading boring books,hanging out, watching the sunset, photo shoots,breaking up, transferring schools, making new friends,loosing old friends.
its all been so much over the past two years and now im so fucking excited to leave that behind and start another chapter...
but what makes me most sad is the fact that im gonna miss some friends i always seem to make a new group of friends at the end of something..like the ending of high school im meeting a lot of new people.
it sucks because i dont get comfortable around people until ive known them for about 2 months...sadly...i get so nervous and shy and quiet....oh well.
yay graduation!!!
my redemption!

he's hot but hes bi-sexual

haha what a funny title lol.
so theres this guy that ive known (technically i dont know him but ive seen him since freshman year at school). well yeah we used to sit at the same table but we never talked. i always thought he was kinda weird..and i though he was gay because he had these orange weird corduroys. that to me screamed gay! so for like 2 years i didnt think much of him except that hey its that guy with the brightly corduroys kinda weird.
so im on my way skipping to class, im chirping along minding my own business when suddenly i see him. well it was technically the first time i saw him since i transferred from my other school... well yeah i see him and this foo is like "bless his momma FINE" mmmm....that boy is fucking sexy..hehe. he has grown a sexy beard not a creepy guy beard but a "yeah im sexy type of beard" lol. oh yeah and that boy is also smart he is going to UC BERKELEY (my dream college-im totally jealous,been my dream school since freshman year). so today im hanging out with my friends. one of them is a aspiring photographer. she whips out her camera, im going through the pictures and what do i see?? I see HIM (Ediberto this sexy man candy) OMG he was posing fo her he looked like a fucking model he was wearing a black vest, blue levis and a plain white shirt....dammnnn. he looked so gorgeous. so im asking my friend WTF?? why didnt u show me these before??then something came up about if he has a girlfriend...and then she drops the bomb HE IS BISEXUAL. my heart sank NOOO!!! i was kinda right then my other friend said there is no such thing as bi he is gay.
dammmnn that sucks i dont think i could ever be with a guy thats bi. oh well
is there such a thing? or is he just plain old gay??? :[[[
oh well ill still fantazise about him
oh well so in the honor of him here is the classic 90's hit "shoop" by salt n' peppa

to hell with you and all your friends

"the house is so alone, disheveled and nowhere to go"-me....
its friday and im here sitting by myself at my house no ones here....
im wearing a p.j. shirt and jeans i wore today...my plans got screwed.
i was supposed to drink today but yeahhh that went down the drain :[
my friends were too hungover from yesterday and there trip to a 18 and over club.
i might go drink with them tomorrow but its gonna be in a party atmosphere.
"me+parties+socializing+wannabe hipsters=noo noo goodness"
i suck in those situations..i prefer to drink with close friends who know me already not new people...damn my anti social ways...
:[ oh well...right now im just listening to music and blogging.
amazingly im not bored im just relaxing, chillaxing. earlier i was reading my past issues of vice and nylon magazines. that kept me entertained for about 2 hours and before that i took a nap...then i ate.
yup thats been my friday....may sound boring to you but fuck it. im sattisfied and even inspired you could say...this aint so bad i guess.
i love days like these when no ones home and i have the house to myself...
i am happier by myself lots of times then being in big groups...i sing and dance when im alone...i can think more clearly.
im a loner and i love it...i wish i could smoke inside my house though...
now that would be perfect.

ive decided

once i finish my general ed @ east la college...im gonna join the peace corps...thats like 2 years from now...but i might as well start planning now.
i cant wait! i'm gonna travel and volunteer what can be better than that?
i wonder how my family will take it when i tell them..
haha...i can totally picture myself doing something like that...i dont wanna wake up two or three years from now doing the same shit ya know?? might as well help the world, que no? and also i love tutoring kids and volunteering...and one of my dreams is also to travel...itll be a hella good experience.
:]
what do you guys think?

ink n iron

2nd post of the day!
so theres this tattoo convention im planning on going its called "ink n iron"...
its at the queen mary in long beach...yayay if i go it will be my 1st tattoo convention...im so psyched for it!...maybe ill even get my first tat there...and omfg the guys ooooooooooohhh.....!
:]
damn it!

id slap myself silly if i could...

sooo today i was talking to my sister about "judging" people.
and i told her that i do too much of that. i honestly do, its a problem.
im always judging people and ive realized that ive missed out on what could of been good friendships all because of my stupid insecurities inside.
i guess it all comes back from middle school. everyone judged me on my appearance.
so it all was boiling up inside me. until it unleashed itself on innocent people. maybe they were nice maybe they were a-holes ill never know.
how will i change? can i change? im a very sensitive person that keeps there feelings inside,i guess im bitter from all the bullshit thats gone in my life.
but there is also alot of good things that have gone on too.
and i have good friends that didn't judge me and got the time to know me.
its all up to me i guess.. and my perspective on people...
i need to let go of my bad feelings. i cant keep on living this way.

18 years of breathing and dreaming

so yesterday was my birthday.
i am now 18.
i had a little birthday with some family and friends.
we had chicken and pizza and chocolate cake...
i just got some money not much..
but its allright because i had a wonderful time..i wish my birthday was everyday lol.
i felt like i had alot of confidence. i wish that confidence was with me everyday:/
we watched rocky horror picture show, house bunny and donnie darko.
today i officially bought a tobacco product with my i.d. lol.
i bought a grape swisher sweet to roll my bud with. ahh damn my friends got me soooo high for my birthday haha
it was fun we just hung out at the park. my friend got a ladybug high.

yesterday i had this dream that made me realize how alone i am.
and how i need a boyfriend ugghhh.
i hate trying. im too lazy for that shit..to make a move at all.
why cant it be easier to look for someone??
to be with someone. i mean all i really want is a tall boyfriend with a beard, loves music an movies nice to his mom..and other quirks....
and in return i would try to make him smile,hold his hand,kiss and hold him, love him. make love to him. go out to the park. for walks. or just stay home and watch movies and cuddle and vice versa... thats all i want is that so hard???
fuck my life

fear of the future

omg there are only 7 weeks left in the school year.
and 8 weeks till graduation .
ive been so busy lately with classes, homework,projects, tests and applebees.
its like all this information is being fed to me and i keep making all these to do lists but they end up being lost in the shuffle of other to do lists.
in the end it will be worth it though just for that fucking diploma..
but im so afraid, so anxious and excited.
i am so tired of high school. i have complete senioritis right now.
i hope this new chapter in my life will be exciting and happy and all that cute shit.
or maybe all the gloom will stick?
will i be this lonely little loser girl for the rest of my life?
or is it just a phase??
well that i dont know and i cant predict...
im scared..i dont know what to expect...am i ready for this...for "real" life?
am i ready to be treated as an "adult"?
the true panic is setting in.
fml

akwardness

oj (break up song)-MURS...
MURS is my favorite artist right now. his music speaks for himself
hes real no fake shit with him....the truth and funky and very very original...THE BEST PART?? HES FROM L.A.<333

Break Up [The OJ Song] (Album Version) - A. HAMILTON

Today at applebee's i saw this guy that i used to have a crush on. i met him at a gig through a friend then he found me on myspace and he sent me a friend request.
i thought he was cute. he taught i was pretty and shit... i was just like "okay" kind of like wondering cuz he would tell me how drunk he got and he was 22 and i was barely 17. and very inexperienced. he kept trying to meet me but i got over it and we would stop messaging. it was very strange. well anyways today i saw him i barely recognized. i only saw him once at night and on the computer...but i remembered he had plugs and tatoos...he was with this chick... i didnt say anything but every time i passed by his table he would just quickly look at me then look away...it was awkward oh yes i do think he remembered me lol.

waiting and rollercoasters

today is sunday the last day for my spring break.
it was pretty dope.
i did some stuff.
i went to knotts berry farm yesterday<3
i love knotts, i went on ghostrider 2 times.
i went on most of the rides except for silver bullet,wipeout,perilous plunge.
but i went on most of them.
we went from 10 am to like 11. we waited in line to ride on ghostrider
right when they were closing down the park.
it was worth the wait though...
i <33 roller coasters
i <33 the adrenaline rush u get.
but when we got home we were so fucking tired we just knocked out.
we didnt wake up till noon.
awesome spring break :]]]

now its back to school tomorrow and back to applebees :[
oh cruel,cruel world...
today i was thinking about my school and all the people i dislike.
its awesome to know that two months from now i wont have to be forced to be in the same space anymore...
i cant wait till my graduation.
yay:]]]]]]]
i want to flip off everyone or something like that
so im officially counting down the days!
theres about 58 days left...
i hope while im waiting for the day i dont implode or something out of desperation.
wish me luck....
fuck high school
im sooo over that bullshit

lucky i guess??/downtown l.a.

my day started off at 5:30. i cant possibly remember the last day i was up this early. this was really early for me.the reason for disrupting my sleep was that my sister needed to go to juvenile court in norwalk for her loitering ticket...bullshit right? she got a ticket like 2 blocks away from school and she was also walking towards school she was just late for first period.
she had to go to court so she could see what she was gonna get...she got community service 40 hours and gotta pay 35$. well in the morning we had to go all early because my mom did not believe me that i knew how to take the bus to norwalk..even though i did and i looked it up on the metro website and everything. my dad had to drive us there like 2 hours early we were there at 6 am and her court was at 8:30.
luckily though i was all hyped up on coffee <3. once we were at the courthouse it was packed with all these kids and their parents.
i saw a few kids from my high school most of them were little wannabe scene girls eeewww lol. my sisters "case" was done like in 30 minutes luckily i had my i-pod and my book so i was set.
once it was over i asked my sister if there were any juicy stories and she said yes, that one girl was caught smoking weed at school and she needed to go to drug counseling. i was like whoa.
my mom recently found my smoking peace like a month ago and she found a lil bit of (MEDICAL might i add, good shit) weed and she threw it away,too so i knew in the back of her mind she taught about me when she was talking about the case.
she was saying "i know you had some troubles at school too jackie and your lucky that you never got caught by the police"
in my mind i was like "hell yeah" i think i would of gone to juvi and my parents would of disowned me if they knew the whole story of my high school career.
i was thinking damn i am lucky i did not get caught....
i would smoke weed and drink at school and also ditch school a lot.
wow i cant beleive i didnt get caught...damn":/...crazy girl i was.
some people are lucky i guess? (i feel guilty though):/

after that whole thing i convinced my mom that we should go to little tokyo...
ive been there a couple of times on the bus so i know where its at...
so we get off the bus and were walking down san pedro. we walked a block and then 2 more then 4. we were lost. oh no. my mom and sister were tired of walking around aimlessly in downtown L.A. i was like aww shit. where the fuck is little tokyo?
we saw the Disney concert hall though lol. which was cool.
after a while were just like lets go home. so we found the bus stop. i was dissapointed. my mom was saying maybe we should ask someone for next time.
so the bus comes and i ask the bus driver little tokyo is on san pedro. the same fucking street we were walking on before we got lost. a minute later she informs us that our stop is next...so my moms like fuck it lets just go we already know where its at. were walking and im like fuck we cant find it! my moms gonna get mad...then off to the distance i see it! huzzah..little tokyo :]
we finally made it. we get there i check out the new hello kitty shop. and we eat sushi and teriaki...mmm it was delicious and also the sushi was 50% off even better :] ahh all that walking was worth it though....we had a wonderful time at the restaurant and i got something from the hello kitty store too.
damn today was a pretty wicked day...
long post yup...if u read it all ur awesome...
now i cant wait till knotts berry farm and a sleepover with my cousins in the o.c.
i love spring break<3

memoirs of a packrat

im a fucking packrat.
i hate it so.
ill die in my room,alone and fat.
trapped under my nylon magazines from '07
just kidding haha :/
honestly i am a packrat
it is very annoying
this spring break one of my things on my to do list was
to clean my room out.
its wednesday and i still havent done it.
my laziness gets in the way.
i hate how i cant throw anything away.
like yesterday i was looking at some of my english homework and essays thinking
"i cant throw these away what if my sister has the same class her senior year, she could use them" She will be a senior 3 years from now.
well today i got no plans so im thinking of cleaning. i need to do it. NO I MUST DO IT. wish me luck bloggers.
im scared.

real love

a love i can always depend on....comes from my family...i am sitting infront of them blogging right now....just ended a session of laughing our asses off.
i love my sister and mom and how were so random im glad my mom has an awesome laugh...and my sister is my best friend...my dad strict yet silly.
my big brother awesome and nerdy and himself... times have been hard right now between my brother and dad but hopefully everything will be fine...cuz in the end were just a super close family that loves to laugh and act weird(well for the most part)
:]

busy

wow i haven't been able to write anything on here lately ive been so busy with work and school..everything's so crazy right now...today i went to work and came home.. my lazy friend Danny couldnt get off his lazy ass and come pick me up at Applebee's :[ for his own band practice.you fucking lagger and i cant go tommorrow bcuz i have work also...xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
oh well im so fucking tired ive got nothing to do..all dresses up and nothing to do you could say. my bodies like so exhausted i even missed my friends birthday thing today...and also because its an hour bus ride and im not up for that right now...so im just relaxing at home :]....Funk yoo Danny....

friday was the last day of school and now im on spring break a whole week :]
yayayayayayay so these are the plans:

venice beach with the kids
knotts berry farm with O/D/S/S
finish my are project
band practice with Danny if he does not lag it
clean room
try to finish my art project...
finish art project
finish art project.

hopefully i wont get lazy and end up not doing any of these
that would mos def suck

my day off

shhit its been a really long week i havent really been doing anything except for school then work or school then class....thank god today i got the day off today...i was supposed to go to San Pedro with my cousin because its her birthday but my dad is being a little a-hole and does not want to drive us to their home in the o.c.
so this is a little description of my day....

first wake up around 9
go on myspace
i see my brother is not here (yay)
go get breakfast at my favorite restaurant arrys<333

come home eat it while watching family guy :]
now im blogging

so far its been a good morning
i dont know what to do today
well i have some errands to do so i think ill get that outta my way
then around 9pm there is going to be a show at this restaurant on whittier blvd.
and my old flame is the guitarist in the band i might go to that...
but im kinda scared because i havent talked to him like in 3-4 months i dont know what ill say to him....or even if ill get the guts to say hi....idk
stay tuned

nostalgia kills

so today i went to buy my clothes for my training at applebee's and i was waiting at this bus stop next to a liquor store. sadly this liquor store holds a lot of memories for me. about a year ago i remember being there in the morning and afternoons, it was my mecca. the owner sold liquor to anyone and it was 2 blocks away from my house. it was across the street to a park too. i was there with my so called friends that are strangers to me now and this guy i had the biggest crush on & i thought i was "in love" (whatever that may be). we would spend our money on beer or cheap vodka and go to the park and drink. we drank to get fucking wasted. that block is a reminder of how lost i was even though im not fully found i am not as i used to be and i am far more intelligent now than i was. we drank and we fucking drank... some of us to get away from our lives, others for fun, others to fit in. im so glad im not like that anymore. its like when i look back i do not recognize who that was. im growing up. today standing there on the same street about 50 feet away made me realize i miss it but im glad im not there right now wasting my time i also cringed a little...i cringe whenever my dad drives by there im almost embarrased of how truly fucking stupid and irresponsible i was and to think it was only but a year ago i was only 16 turning on seventeen. now im seventeen turning on eighteen this may. i look back at those times and laugh but it also kills me a little bit each time. it was like a closure getting on that bus, riding it forward buying job clothes instead of booze. standing there it was the same pavement,same owners still working there but a completely different jackie. sadly some of the people i knew are the same and they don't recognize me now.im trying to get past this and it fades away each day slowly.

psychology&_________

i was recently at boarders book store looking for a new book to read, i was in the psychology section looking for the book the doors of perception..and instead found all these books with a television show and psychology for example "psychology and seinfeld" at first i was like oh this is so cool but then i found more of them with different shows like the simpsons... i was like "wth? lol i wonder if im a jerry,kramer,george,elaine or maybe even a newman" haha so basically i was fascinated especially by seinfeld because that show is now one of my favorites...i didnt know such literature existed (gasp) now i know though :]




sadly i could not find this book
:[

essay banquet

so today was my essay banquet at the Quiet Cannon.
the food was good and the room was very classy lol...
i got there and they told me i had to read it out loud in front of the room i was like "oh fuck" "oh nooo!" no one tole me that was gonna happen....so i grew a pair as my brother said what else could i do run out? the thing is maybe if they would of informed me earlier instead of being total bitches i wouldnt of been as nervous as i was....i got up there and i was shaking i was so nervous i was sure everyone could see it also and that only made me wanna shake more...the worst was if i took a gulp my voice would just like shut down on me...so i kinda read it fast but overall i was glad that i read it...and i was happy when everyone was clapping for me...after all that i got 2nd place...150 bucks..aint too shabby...

old town pasadena

i love old town pasadena even though its like the so. cal capital of fucking hipsters (ughghghh)
well i went today and it was pretty fucking fun :] i hung out with my homies lol.
old town pasadena is so nice and so white and so expensive....ive spent many nights hanging in the sidewalks just chaain smoking and enjoying the buildings and company around me...to me old town reminds me of the simpler moments in life and about my friends...so many good memories have gone on there that its worth the hour and a half bus ride from atlantic blvd. to fair oaks. well of course today was not any different at all...

we started off blazing out of two pieces at the ol' grass alley thats another spot the grass alley where the mhs youth goes and blazes :] .... well after we blazed we went to check out some yard sales my friend was asking if the dog was for sale too lol
then we had the sickest munchies and we ate at in-n-out i think it was possibly the best in-n-out ever in my life <3 god it was good hahaha.... after that we took the bus and got to old town there me and my friend met up with our two other friends and immediately did the cigs come one right after the other in front of this yummy mediterranean restaurant...after that free stuff kept coming to me we went to M.A.C. where i got free eye shadow whoo! then i went to lush and got a free sample of this face mask that i will use tomorrow! the weed was free too :]we also went to the apple store and took pics lol
and then i went to urban outfitters and got a free subscription to my favorite magazine Nylon! yeah boy i love free things.
i also went to forever 21 and it was huge its two floors :] i was trying to find a skirt or dress for the essay banquet thing but sadly i could not find anything :[ but overall it was a good day full of chain smoking, free shit and randomness from my friend thats on some kind of new medication which made her totally fucking hyper it was so funny.....everytime we go to old town we find out something new about the city about our friendship it brings us together....that town makes us feel happy and gives us a rush of sorts...we always have talks about moving there one day hopefully it will happen


:] lol

oh yeah!

my ethics essay that i turned in at my old school was chosen for the finals
:] yaaayyyyy i totally forgot that i even wrote it until my mom told me yesterday that a teacher called for me and said something about a lunch for the essay finalists...its been a month since ive turned it in so i just assumed that my essay lost or something like that....whoa im happy..but yeah there is gonna be a lunch and im not gonna be at school most of the day!!...i wonder who is gonna win the whole scholarship..wish me luck people maybe ill win it! (knock on wood)
oohhh yeaeeaahhhh!!!!

little kids

little kids should not be singing "low" by flo-rida....
my little kid neighbors ages 7-10 were singing it right now....yeah thats not fucking cool its creepy...
damn most kids are trying to grow up too fast now a days i hate that.
there all trying to look cute and the media is always sending out messages like if your not cute you wont be popular and boys wont like you.
i remember being in middle school and feeling like that uncool and feeling like shit most days... its sad to think that kids are going through that also and with more technology in the palm of their hands i can only imagine how much harder it is on them....with myspace and facebook and whatever else...and boys aren't immune either the message i think being sent to them is being a "pimp" is cool
im sick and tired of all that it disgusts me what kind of pressure human beings put on each other.......it all starts so early too :[
fuck what happened to innocence?
wheres it all gone?

damn u

today was actually a good day of old shitty crushes that died and new cute guy that ill learn more of in the coming days (well im hoping) it was also a day of old friends that i havent seen and of course new awesome friends it was a hell of a good day im happy:]
& damn u blogger i tried to publish a blog but then it kept fucking up on me so whatever i got too lazy and i forgot what i was gonna write ahhh i hate when this happens :p
so im just gonna sign out



anthony bourdain google him or watch his show "no reservations" i love him and you will too :]

byeeeeeeeee<333333333333

it happened

ever since i found out about the movie the wall and weed and how people said its a good match i knew that i wanted to do that hhaha....so yesterday i went to my friends kickback i drank a lil vodka slushee and then got in the circle lol it was so funny cuz my friends cousin was there and he was acting so fucking retarted saying the stupidest shit and freaking me out... he was gone....then we went to the room and we were still blazing it but now out of the mini bong i got blown...wow i could not fucking move at all it was great....so we were just there watching the movie i was stuck on it obviously well i couldnt really move....i was tripping out on it like crazy kinda still am...but i was more excited on how im faded and watching the wall like its an experience like a right of passage for stoners i guess.....but IM NOT A STONER id like to get that clear....im just an hey i got weed oh really?break it out kinda person....if its there hey then why not.......oh and then my friend was saying did pink really make all of that movie....that was the funniset part of my day :] haha

what happened??

to all the people i used to know that partied, went to gigs, smoke, drank... u know.
just fucked up in life well some more than others? all the kids i used to see in front of the school after school lol hhmm makes me think where they are now and if they are still wasting there life away with these substances that they go overboard with. some of my friends were those people and now i dont even know where they are now these "punxs" that fucking spange it for money even though they know they could afford the $130 Dr. Marten boots and T.U.K Creepers its just funny to me how hard they try to act but in the end they aint shit trying to prove something by doing nothing "fuck the system" well if they really wanted to fuck up the system go to school become someone important and fuck it up from the inside...so heres to all my old "friends" that try to immitate their punk rock heroes "live fast, die young" where ever you guys are im here at home drinking a 40 for you guys. Oi Oi Oi... to all my little wannabe Sid Vicious'....the ones from my 7th grade homeroom class you know who you are! ... its sad really

maybe this will be them someday???who knows

late night

so on friday was the last episode of late night for conan o'brien and now he will be taking over the tonight show for jay leno...so hes leaving new york and coming to l.a. :]
im looking forward to that cuz i fucking love conan o'brien i will probably go watch the tonight show one day good luck conan



CONAN DOING HIS LITTLE JIG

GOOD LUCK

like

theres this guy i kinda like
hes cute haha and hes nice
but idk??
its too early to judge anything
he let me win at connect four
:] lol
agghhh
my friends dont like
him but lately i havent been liking my friends either
so fuck them....
idk??
this is so new

awake for the first time in a long time

today something happened i was at the bus stop with my friend vannie and we were talking and laughing and then something happened to me i dont know what it was it was just a realization i guess that i am alive...its as if i were sleeping and then everything came and rushed into me the lights were blurry and idk its hard to describe but i felt alive...i was happy i was me...if u read my post i think last friday it reads i was miserable and such....i felt like a piece of me died this 3day weekend and yesterday when my sister told me something so real that it hurt me to the core that piece died and the new skin is growing slowly but its growing day by day action by action its growing........im realizing all my ugly that i had inside me...it was so horrible....now i am changing...

my friend deleted me off myspace today...i wanted shit to work out but whatevs
my sister got a ticket for ditching school....im dissapointed shes bearly a freshman
it better be the first and the last time she gets a ticket or ditches!!!
but yeah idk im trying
wish me luck!

up to

it has been two weeks since ive been at my old school and it has brought nothing but bad energy to me i thought everything would be the same between me and my friends but it just turns out they didnt really give a shit about me so fuck them....but my other friends at school do well atleast i know my friend amanda is a real friend been there for me since the sixth grade and i thank her for that....school has had its good moments and its bad.. mostly though im just trying to finish school...i enrolled in an r.o.p class for food and hospitality i might work at this restaurant called pollys pies {haha names funny :D} the class is really fun and i love going to it...hopefully i will get hired... i need the money damn it!

valentines day:
was such a shitty day and
not bcuz i didnt have anyone to share it with... but just because of all the drama me and my cousins went through with their dad that day it just made me really deppressed
the day started off allright and then just crashed and burned and diedddd....
atleast i got to chug a beer on the d.l. at their home and i found a new purse at goodwill :]

today:
today i didnt do much stayed home sick and watched Superbad with my sister
did some Fafsa things, took a nap, went to walmart,did some homework,myspaced it a lil bit,
and counted all my change from my change jar i have $28.22 in change :] and now im blogging it
very boring day....im hoping that i will be better tommorrow i dont have a cough anymore but still got the headache and siffles :[ oh yeah and i wrote a poem today :]
im gonna submit it in this scholarship thing

tomorrow we dont have school.. i dont know what will happen hopefully i get out of the house and maybe go watch a movie :]

heaven knows im miserable now..

i left i did not want to be at school anymore, today is friday the thirteenth 2009.
im sick and i went to school....after 4th period i left school through the back
i just could not take it anymore...im sick i have a runny nose, a cough, headache and etc.. and emotionally sick when your just drained.....theres those days where everything that ive had inside just explodes and i do stupid things whether ditching school or whatever...i mean i could of just gone to the nurses office but i didnt want to leave that way...maybe i could of gotten caught but i didnt really give a shit... i just needed not to be there anymore i cant stand that school or my "friends" or anything right now..i just needed to leave.. when i was walking away from the school i felt dazed and everything was so dark...nothing seemed familiar every person i saw made me feel paranoid or angry or scared....and now im home doing nothing and miserable...my parents are just arguing...i feel so empty right now, so fucking numb, like a fucking fraud...

oh yeah and HERES TO YOU VALENTINES DAY

i wonder if

im a creature of habit i like being home and just chilling or going to the same old kick it spots with the same friends and the same weed or drink... in a couple of months i wont be in highschool anymore (yay!!!) it will be a complete different fucking world i suppose that's what i always hear. i hope it wont hurt too much when i cant do the familiar things and im hoping i get new habits with new people and a new town or whatever....i hope i dont stay here and go back to the familiar loves of my life to that boy i "loved" to the same useless thoughts running around in my head....
maybe i will comprehend new ideas and i can be less shy and more outgoing...less introverted idk thats all i gots to say for right now....i just hope i will change cuz thats what i need the most

my name is murs and im

murs' music has helped me alot during tough times

moments

guys with girlfriends are trouble...
yeah haha
fuck...

its raining :]
im happy

an interest of mine

im currently reading Siddharta by Herman Hesse in my world lit. class
ive been truly fascinated by Buddhism since i was about 15
i first came to know more about it in my social studies class, that was the only part in the
class where i was truly awake and it inspired me to want to better
i fell in love with the religion i hope to study it more when im older....
its a shame that i still havent been in a buddhist temple and theres one about 20 minutes
away on the metro...so i will see if i can make it there this month...

bubbles of thoughts

im watching a bootleg copy of twilight
it sucks haha
edward cullen is cute

i gots myself a nifty new haircut
:]

im still sad though
ive lost my friend...??

my first day at mhs is tomorrow im so
not looking forward to it...
fuck drama its not worth it!

this weekend was a strange one
not one to be forgotten anytime soon...

i cant wait till i see my nephew jaylin
hes supposed to be due this week!
im excited.....

load off my back(sigh)

im gonna miss my teacher ms.kazarian...wow i didnt like her before but today she changed my mind im usually kind of standoffish towards mature crazy teachers but she warmed up to me on my last days...she will be missed...her crazy ideas about how some kids are stuck in the matrix and they cant get out of the matrix...how she totally turned "alice in wonderland" into this perverted story haha....wow this school completely changed me and im glad it did if it wasnt for vail i dont know what i would of done....
oh god i have to go back to my old school where everyone is scene and there in there own little bubble world aarrgghh!!
today was chill one of those days when everything seems to go right when you know your hard work has paid off yup yup it was one of those days well heres some pictures:

got my new nylon magazine in the mail today


got some credits :]


finished my essay


p.s. there was a funny drunk girl at school
she was wasted! lol

when friendships fade

my bestfriend and i have drifted apart its sad....i hate drifting away from "best friends" uugghhh i know that our friendship will never be the same it fucking sucks!!! it makes me pist off that i cant tell her i feel this way cuz i dont like to be vulneruble to people its very hard for me....if i told her id probably end up tearing up....it sucks loosing 4 years of friendship...but fuck it...i got more important people... i miss her she was like a sister to me...and in my mind i think that she didnt even care....ever since i transfered schools this shit has happened...but fuck it...oh well....now when we hang out its like shes completely changed....did i ever know her at all? is what im thinking now. im thinking the answers no. :'[ fake friendship built out of lies,turning a blind cheek when we needed us the most..i dont know if this is a friendship worth saving?

essays

hhmmm...i like to write but i do not like essays thats for sure. im currently working on one for a contest if i win i get a $3,000 scholarship in the tough times right now that would be gladly appreciated. i must say its coming along quite nicely it took me about 5 hours but im still not done at first i had sick writers block, but then this rush of energy came my way it was basically from nothing to something a blank page to actual sentences. i was pretty happy. im on the second draft there might be 2 more...im not satisfied yet, i have a week so that is enough time. my brother was like let me help you ghostwrite for you....i was like no thankyou but in my mind i was FUCK NO! haha...but bless him for trying to help out....haha he wanted to put his "pizzaz" into it but yeah nooo....but anyways its been a good day i had some tasty pizza and one of my all time favorite movies was on t.v. : ghost world :] if you guys have not checked it out yet its a must see GHOST WORLD!


GHOST WORLD

friday?

so yesterday i went to some shitty party at this paisa club terraza jamay on whittier blvd. it smelled like fucking sweat and cigs.it was packed to the walls.. well cuz it was free thats the only reason i went it was an all ages event....for the people 21 and over who could buy the fucking 5$ heinekens i pity you that you had nothing better to do then to be at a shitty dance party full of scenesters and wack ass high-school "hipsters",promoters and paisas. me being 17 i can get away with it hhahaha...the only good part was when they played day and night by crookers but i had fun i enjoyed dancing...even though you could barely move in there...it was aight....i have to say the best part of that day was the weed though ooohhh it was so good...we had some shakes: def-whatever is leftover on the medical table they put it in the little baggies so its basically all the medical shit in one bag :] mmmm..good. we had a good trip...overall pretty good day..the worst part was that my hair was frizzy all day long due to the rain..:[ it looked disgusting i shit you people not lol

Buncha Lunch

some intesesting or somewhat or not at all random facts about me...idk im kinda bored right now haha so here we go :]

1. my name is jackie
2. i am legal on may 3rd 2009 :]
3. im planning to get a tattoo on that day
4. my friends plan on getting me wasted that day im looking forward to it
5. when i used to play barbies when i was little, my husband used to be Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys :p (ugghhhh)
   
6. i want to join the peace corps when im older
7. i used to get teased alot from elementary through middle school :[
8. i saw my sisters doppelganger at the mall about two years ago my sister was there too but she missed it :[
9. i love children i want to be an elemantary school teacher when im older
   
10. i want 4 kids :]
11. im half mexican/half salvadorean
12. i have low self esteem and i think im ugly
13. i was approached by a modeling scout when i was 15
14. i love intelligent boys that can make me laugh
    
15. i have a thing for metal heads ;]
16. i drink allooott of water each day i pride myself on that
17. i like to be alone but i enjoy the company of others
18. i was born in china town in los angeles :]
    
19. i miss my best friends sometimes i dont think they miss me back
20. i love being wasted or high i think it'll change when im older :/ idk?
21. i used to smoke alot of menthol cigarettes but i dont anymore now i smoke about 2 cigs every two weeks
22. ive had about 3 bad experiences with bunkbeds when i was a child 2 of them leading to physical injury :'[
23. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.....<3

chitchat

geez... i have to go to school tomorrow 'nough said haha
so this weeekend was pretty fun i went over to my cousins house...
i love being over there it feels so simple we just have so much fun together fucking almost pissing my pants and shit like....we were at the local park for like four hours just watching there dog do stupid shit...fuck haha i ate shit omg i was on the slide and i was trying to go on the other part of the slide and i just completely ate it i fell on my shins ouch haha i just laughed it off i can be pretty clumsy haha....but just hanging out with my cousins takes me away from my troubles atleast for a weekend...i love them...oh yeah my dad promised us a dog. he said this lady which is my brothers godmother was supposed to come over and deliver it...ahhh i want it! i still havent gotten the dog :[ hopefully ill get the dog soon..but anyways i find the smallest things make me happy....just hanging out and laughing is the best thing in the world for...good conversatin,good friends and good laughs :]

to stay afloat

i got the very bad news today that my dad lost his job. my mom already lost her job last september...and my brother is the only source of income for our familly..i dont know how were gonna make it...im crying right now, its scary not knowing if your gonna have your own bed to sleep at night...my mom was telling me how theyre laying off workers at my dads job funny enough they worked at the same place together both for about 10 years or more. my mom was saying how if he got layed off we might have to move in with my aunt....i love my cousins there the same age as me there some of my best friends but my uncle and aunt are really uuhhh....yeah i do NOT like being around them for long periods of time...i could barely stand being there for a week...i dont know its all too much right now....i dont know...fuck :'[...fucking government and there fucking recession

pieces and earthquakes

so i wake up eat some yummy tacos, get ready to work out and go on the bus for about an hour to my destination e.l.a.c......my friend danny was there well more like aquaintance i talk to him but not really...well he did want to beat up my friend dylan.....he told me that he got into a fight with a drag queen haha...oh yeah *hes a draq person too lol...hes pretty when he dresses up.:]
well yeah i had a good work out today then i go to my friends house>>> Well it turns out that fed-ex delivered about 5 full boxes of pieces about 450 bucks worth he told me to come down and he'd give me a free one i was so happy my first very own piece i had one before but i shared it with my best friend and then she ended up dropping it :[ and it broke...but as i was saying it was awesome but in the end fed-ex came back and took the boxes back :[ but he kept like 30 of them lol hes gonna sell them haha after that we went to the local park and my friends blazed it... but i didnt want to cuz i was really tired...my friend Marvin was there he was so faded haha it was sooo funny he kept making these weird noises even if u werent faded it was still funny..i mean ive never seen him that way usually hes just quiet but today oh haha damn i love him and tomorrow is his 17th birthday :] i wanna go to his house its always fun there either drunk or drunk ive never been faded at his house hopefully tommorrow i will........BUT OH YEAH...did i mention there was an earthquake like 50 minutes ago....but it was a lil baby one it satrted in san bernandino i guess... haha i thought my sister was shaking my bed lol but then again no one was in the room haha today was a good day :]

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY MARVIN :]

7-8

my dad is realllly stupid.
gosh he gets me so pist..its funny how he tries to tell us shit when he doesn't even listen to us..i mean i love my dad but we dont really have a "relationship" i guess....when ever i even try to talk to him he manipulates what im trying to say. and ignores everything else completely i think its safe to say that i can blame lots of my problems on him. he cant even see how he himself is. i dont thiunk he ever will see himself how he truly is. he needs help haha i mean i am 100% grateful for having a father.... but sometimes idk its hard to live with him at times but i cant complain i love my whole family but as i stated before its hard to live with them.thank god! the holidays are over :]
haha

new el o vi e

new love...
i have realized that i love to exercise haha
i love the feeling of just blasting my music and working out its a good feeling.
yes me jackie haha im a lazzzzy person. so its a surprise to my family also. they were shocked when i said im gonna go run laps at the park later on.
i love being a couch potato, just watching gossipgirl and eating some chips.
but i like exercising i just do. i enjoy it. today i worked out for an hour..and im gonna work out later also....i hope this lasts haha....maybe i could loose a few lbs. :]
but today was a good day. i feel happy maybe its the endorphins that exercises releases haha.
hopefully i can find someone to workout with my family doesnt want to and neither does my sister want to.. idk i will find someone..:]

latchkey kiddie

so today was my first day at east los angeles community college :]
im taking a p.e. class cuz i need it to graduate in my highschool/....
so it took me like 30 minutes to find the fucking class and i worked up a sweat just doing that haah
so i found it and then i was doing my thang a few machines you know the stairmaster and weights... i was all sweaty then i met up with my friends at the park and we went to go eat at my favorite place arrys :] mmm chili cheese fries haha after working out for 30 minutes blah i feel like a fatass....so we were waiting for our rasberry kush to arrive...we had time to kill and we went to my friends house cuz he lives near there i miss him hes dope :] i would love to live across the street from him.. so the kush came and i took two hits cuz i was already tired from the p.e. ya know and then my friend left :[ oh and i saw my other friend hes cute haha but yeah.... i was all faded haha fucking everything was hilarious today haha....it was a good allrightish day..they were telling me i smelled like sweat and shit haha...i need a shower....
But yeah... that was my day.

blog off my myspace

AAA! so the new years almost here like in 29 hours or somewhat...shit this year went by really quick..this year taught me many life lessons and showed me the people who i need the most...ive definetly changed alot this year it kicked my ass but i deserved it i was fucking up too much,but im grateful now...today was a pretty shitty day i dont know if this will continue on till the new year it most likely will its pretty grimm but i know i can make it out....hopefully everything will be fine...ahhh 2009 is gonna be dope :] i could feel it already going back to mhs,finishing up credits, fucking graduation,getting my car,turning 18, hopefully finding a job, moving out???(maybe),moving to the o.c. fuck its alot its gonna be a big change but im up for it i love change! but yeahhhhh ahhh this is a big year for me....idk i really want to move out cuz i cant take this shit with my family anymore! i need to be on my own! see if i could make it...but im gonna miss my mom and my sister :'[ but yeah 2009 is gonna be big for sure

17%

So there is 17% left on my p.c. damn i need to charge it this is my first "blogger" hhmm.. it seems cool...so right now its 1 am january second 2009. ive made it this far...im thinking right now about friendship. seeing if im a good friend or not. evaluating myself..and it seems grimm from my point of view..i want to change in 09 i want to my "friends" to be able to tell me annything but thats not the case right now. its cuz i shut myself off. i dont know how to stop being this way. oh geez. help anyone?